Let’s say you’re 50-plus. Your parents are 80-plus. You’re concerned about your parents’ financial health and curious about any potential inheritance. So, you pop a money question, and then you’re slammed. Responses such as, “In good time you’ll know” or “Don’t be in such a rush to get my money,” or “I’m not ready to give up control of my money” are all common financial show-stoppers. The result: A two-way emotional meltdown.
Picture your brain as a pot of water that’s simmering under a low flame. As long as the water is in simmer mode, you have access to the upper portion of your brain, which empowers you to pause, reflect, and to use reason to make better decisions. If the heat is turned up and the water boils, the amygdala – an almond shaped section of the lower brain responsible for emotions, survival instinct, and memory – goes out of control and reasonable thought is impossible. We call this boiling point “amygdala hijack,” a term first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, the originator of emotional intelligence. Money conversations often ignite this meltdown.
In many parent-child relationships, the details of family wealth is a topic filled with struggles and sacrifices, which result in a resistance to discuss. As a result, conversation avoidance is common. The control of wealth is embedded in one’s identity. Your curiosity feels like an invasion, and they are not ready to let you in. As your parents age, there does come a point where deferring the conversation is no longer practical. Your parents are running out of time. You are running out of time to help them. Whether you’re power of attorney for your parents, or a devoted son or daughter, you’re obligated to understand the physical, emotional, and financial risks parents are facing.
Years before my dad turned 90, I suggested that he stop driving. He laughed at me. Only after he got into an accident did he agree to sell the car. It was the same with his financial life. Only after he recognized that he was no longer capable of making financial decisions, and made a few blunders did he ask for help. Shortly after, I was appointed his power of attorney. The day he passed the financial baton to me as power of attorney was a solemn moment. We were in front of his banker, and with tears in his eyes, cracking a light smile, dad said, “Now it’s my son’s turn to take care of me.” This was a painful moment. Watching him lose control over his finances was equally painful for both father and son. Yet when a child steps in, it’s usually with the best intentions.
During these moments, it’s essential that you tune up your listening skills, to stay connected to what your parents are feeling.
Here are some tips from Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.
“The effectiveness of making a person ‘feel felt’ lies in the mirror of neurons,” Goulston writes. “Say, ‘I understand what you’re feeling,’ and the other person will feel grateful and spontaneously express that gratitude with a desire to understand you in return.” Here are Goulston’s six steps to making another person feel “felt:”
- Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.”
- Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling and I think it’s _________…” and fill in the emotion. “Is that correct? If it’s not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or correct you.
- Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, et cetera) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Don’t fight back.
- Next, say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, et cetera) is because…?” Listen.
- Then say, “Tell me: what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”
- Next, say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen?” inheritance conversation, try using the “what would make it possible” formula. Let’s face it. Your parents are scared about their own mortality and losing control. As a result, the walls go up.
It’s an understandable response. Using the question, “What would make it possible to? [explore the details of your financial health]?” can be a good starting point as it allows parents to feel they have conversation control.
When you’re trying to engage in the inheritance conversation, so you can plan properly, or to simply help your parents when they are physically or cognitively unable, effective listening skills are key.
On average, people speak about 150 words a minute. But, the average number of words you’re able to listen to is 450-plus. What do most people during this gap? Thinking about the past, and the future. An effective remedy is to spotlight your breathing to stay present.
Jaimie Blackman – a former music educator & retailer– is a financial advisor, succession planner, and certified business advisor. Blackman is a frequent speaker at NAMM’s Idea Center. Visit jaimieblackman. com to subscribe to newsletter and webinars. For business or personal retirement & insurance planning, visit their sister company at bhwealth.com
